Concepts for new features that would just be bad

The Tavern Crazy Yiuf's Corner
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i was thinking about game mechanics the other day and I thought to myself, if I was going to do something stupid, like how games used to do april fools things, what would I add? and I came up with some ideas. These are all obviously jokes, but I think its fun to come up with bad ideas for fun!

species:
lab rat- it’s like a felid but instead of extra lives you get a potion of mutation slapped on you every single level up. Surely this will have no ill effects

snailtaur: it’s like a naga but slower. be the slowest thing in the dungeon

roomba: you can’t go down a floor without exploring the entire floor, but you DO clean up blood and mess when you go over tiles.

batfolk: congratulations, you can fly. unfortunately you’re also always making noise to see, so everyone knows where you are. Hope you’re not squishy!

edit: i had another thought. millitaur: the only armour you get is boots but you get to wear 10 pairs of them

God:
God of impulsive choices. you get piety for using scrolls and potions but you can’t use identify, at all. go ahead, chug those 13 unmarked bottles. do it for the stat boosts.

equipment:
birthday hat: its your birthday! every monster on the level rushes to you to congratulate you. and then kill you.

orb of beach: its a beach ball. when it deflects a hit the enemy bounces back a space.

cone: it’s like a hat but its only for felids. naughty cats get the cone

floor length cloak: every so often you trip on it and do 1 damage to yourself

armour of flames: if you put it on you immediately catch on fire. yes, every time you put it on.

scroll of catnip: works like a scroll of summoning but it just summons felids.

potion of irn: tints the screen orange and does nothing else

orb of bowling: this is a thrown weapon which acts like a really big rock.

nutmeg grater: a shield that will destroy enemy maces

anyway, I had fun coming up with this. if you all had to come up with something silly, what would you do?

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“Do it for the stat boosts” XD

Seriously this is hilarious. I think my favorite is the lab rat. I’d actually try that!

My addition: A monster, Meme Skeletor. I know nothing of the actual character but the memes are great. A monster that shows up sometimes, spends one turn shouting some random fact, then just books it for the exit.

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Random mutation on level-up might actually be a good idea! Like Demonspawn but with worse mutations; but that could be balanced somehow.

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it was inspired by the fact i noticed that all the species with mutations like, stop mutating after a while, and i was like well what if you didn’t ever stop? at all?
to make up for it the rats could have like. i dunno, a dozen ring slots. just stacking em up on their tails like a bracelet or something. jingle jangle

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Or just unlimited ring slots!

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Holy cow that would be insane. Can you imagine stacking 8 +4 rings of slaying?

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yeah see the downside to this is you get all those ring slots but you’re a tiny little squishy rat who has to spin the casino wheel of ways for your body to kill you every level up. Balance

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Much like octopodes now, right? Who are very strong (AFAIK — I haven’t played them enough to know from person experience) once they’ve found those 8 rings of slaying; but that can take a while.

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yeah, except octopodes are wet and the rats are tied to a roulette wheel of doom!

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ANOTHER TERRIBLE IDEA:
summoning spell: picnic ant. every time your ant kills something the corpse disappears and you get one more ant. every time you find a food cache your ants double. good luck getting anywhere through the teeming mass of ants!

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Randomly, when you enter any undead portal or branch or open a door when you are in one of those areas, you get blasted with a full screen creepypasta image with a screaming sound.

This could be programmed to only work during April’s Fool or Halloween.

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I propose a new god: Pillarri

Upon worshipping, Pillarri adds 10 million turns to the player’s turn count.

Likes it when you keep a single enemy in view. For every 10 turns with a single enemy on screen, gain an additional 10% movement speed.

Dislikes it when you move toward any enemy twice or more times in a row. The player is permitted to anger Pillarri 10 times without incurring wrath per each real minute.

Wrath causes Pillarri to teleport the player to an inter-dimensional prison that requires the player wait 10 real world hours before they are released back to their original position.

Abilities:

MummyMillion: (Passive) Removes all penalties and consequences from staying on a single level indefinitely.

A thousand fleas: Torments an enemy with a divine itch that causes them to lose 1 health every 10 turns. The health cannot be healed or regenerated unless the player leaves the level via stairs.

The dance: Knocks all enemies back just out of view, if possible. Wipes out the current local map and replaces it with a medium-sized pillar of indestructible walls. At high power, creates additional portal gates that permit the player to teleport between different sides of the pillar.

Stares of Ecsher: Removes all of the stairs up and down and replaces them them with three new sets leading to new locations. The locations of the stairs on the level are shown to the player, but include one illusory pair that vanishes when the player attempts to use it.

Reset: Instantly restores the player to full health and removes all negative statuses. Sets the health of all monsters on the level to a factor of the number of times Reset has been used for a given level, with a minimum of twice and up to a maximum of ten times the initial starting monster health values. Monsters that have been reset no longer will ever become allies.

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oooh make it really unscary. clipart of a ghost going “boo” or something with circus music. yes the game has sound effect. one Singular sound effect. to annoy people. and its not even good

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that is so so so overcomplicated and confusing and arbitrarily baffling i LOVE IT.

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another species idea i just had: big jelly. whenever you put on armour you just digest it to get its enchantment bonuses. you’re really slow and you cant cast spells or use scrolls because that would require being able to speak and you don’t have a mouth. either stack enchantments into a stupid nonsense doomstack or die on floor 3 because you have 0 armour

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scroll of al dente-fy. turns everything you use it on into pasta
actually another one. box of gravy bones- works like a box of tremorstones but enemies explode into dogs

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Clown shoes: they fit on everyones feet even if you have foot mutations BUT every time you move you produce half a bar of noise because they’re squeaking with every step

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I legit like the concept of noisy shoes I think you’re on to something!

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wouldn’t be a clown if your shoes didn’t squeak!
we could also add a clown nose that goes in the talisman slot. who says we need to use that slot only for shapeshifting? give everyone the chance to look silly.

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could have shoes that imitate Qazlal by making noise and creating clouds when you move x)