Offbrand Uniques

Unique, One Of A Kind Items at BARGAIN PRICES!
Now Stocking Your Favorites, such as the Seven-Leak Boots, The Hat of the Bare Spirit, and even the Axe of Whoa!

We spent a while on discord brainstorming dumb joke items for an offbrand uniques store. Whether they remain dumb jokes or become dumb jokes in-game is up to how much we can peer-pressure nicolae, but either way more suggestions for the list are certainly welcome.

The +8 Axe of Whoa {?}
It’s a hand axe with a shrunk Axe of Woe tile

The +3 seven-leak boots {Puddle}
Puddle: Surrounding tiles become shallow water a la water nymph

The +6 Majin Bow {vamp}
A longbow, of course.

The -8 Mummy’s Tooth {rot}

The +? Lajatang of Orders {*Noise, ?} (Midn8)
(presumably shouts like the singing sword)

The +? Fire Dragon scales “Frostbit” {?} (Midn8)

The +0 Hat of the Bare Spirit {spirit} (Undo)

The +8 Orange Plate Armour {wiz} (Undo)

The +6 Scythe of Curse, “darn” {pain} (Undo)

The +? Wrath of Plog {?, probably randomly generated} (Undo)

Ring of the Hair {+2 AC, rC+} (Nicolae)

Amulet of the Four Cheeses{?, but I’m going to argue for miasma clouds} (Nicolae)

Kermit’s Pendant {+Hop} (Nicolae)
Hop: allows Barachi style hopping.

If I missed any from the discussion, plonk 'em in! Otherwise, help us populate the list! Ideally, it’s something balanced that you’d occasionally consider buying, but dumb jokes take primacy.

7 Thanks

The Lajatang of Orders is supposed to yell commands at you (Attack that monster! Run away! Use a wand!)

Frostbit could be semi-random like faerie dragon scales.

5 Thanks

The +1 Robe of Wines {ambrosia, vertigo}

The Ferry Dragon Scales {Fly, rC+}

The +27 Maxwell’s patient armour {*slow, -27 slay, Archmagi—}

The +2 skin of Sore {gives a slaying debuff if you’ve moved recently}

The +5 glaive of Prude {holy}

The +0 mithril axe “Argh” {*Rage}

The +6 eudemon blade “Preach” {holy, *Recite} (character starts reciting when hit)

5 Thanks

Sphere of Babble {*Noise}

Le Mental Staff {Int -4, Hex enhancer}

+4 spear “Wormbane” {slay worm, EV +2} charges up to +9 on killing Worms and Swamp Worms

+2 sling “Puke” {venom, Str -2}

5 Thanks

Gore&Gamble - +0 chaos-branded quick blade pair

+3 Leadmast boots - no knock back, rC+, ponderousness

Axecutter’s Wood. - +10 club with 0.7 delay regardless of skill, disarm

3 Thanks

+6 Chain Waraxe {slay wood} charges up to +16 on killing thorn hunters or shambling mangrove

3 Thanks

-2 Tower Shield of Awareness {rN+, Int+4}
+4 Arbalest of Darnation {elec, noise}
+5 Scythe “Fisher” {+75% extra damage to enemies in water}
+27 Dagger “Spy” {*Marks you on hit}

4 Thanks

Dreamshart Necklace {+Shart, drain bowels} (can be evoked to cause the dreamshard effect but it hurts you and also the fog clouds are brown)

2 Thanks

+0 Gloves of Ogre-wannabes{big hand, STR+6} While wearing this gear, you can wield giant clubs and giant spiked clubs